I still miss Hanya. Well, I miss who she was. I don't know who she is now. It's been a few months, and the girl that broke up with me ain't the one I fell in love with, as far as I'm aware.
People change, I know, people grow and regress and develop and so on. I wonder how far back it was, before she broke up with me, that she fell out of love. When she decided "y'know what, it'd be perfectly fine to just break up with this guy over text, y'know I don't want a confrontation teehee" like. Man, she was there for Christmas, four months before, and I couldn't see anything off then. Maybe I'm just blind.
I don't know. I just really miss who she was and what we did together and being in her arms and all that. She and I were the same kinda weird, y'know? Same wavelength. Could enjoy the same kind of weirder media (and by that I mean stuff like Murder Drones and Asobi Asobase and Omori) that I don't suppose most people would. I miss watching Death Note, I miss walking her neighborhood in Florida, I miss it all.
At the same time, though, I know that girl isn't her no more. Maybe she is, but the chance seems slim to none to me.
All that said, though? Still mad at her. No intention of getting on my knees and begging. I'll never hate her, I don't think I ever could and she hasn't given me reason to, even if she broke my heart. I'm the last person to view myself in a positive light, but how she went about it just isn't right man. At the very least, after everything we'd done together, a quick call would've been better. Even better would've been actually coming to me with her concerns before-hand, and failing that, actually explaining to me as she broke up rather than just being vague and evasive and only explaining later.
I think about her a lot, obviously. Even when I don't wanna. I get dreams all the time that have her in them or reference her in some way. Always set after we've broken up. Sometimes it's weird stuff, like her saying things like "I love you" and acting really contradictory or whatever. Sometimes it's us beefing or her trying to do something against me. Sometimes it's just us chatting like normal. The worst ones are the latter, honestly. I hate the conflict ones, but most painful are when it's just us, talking or texting like we used to, like nothing happened, just getting along. Granted, we didn't get to text nearly as much in the last year as we had in days of yore, but still.
Maybe that's why it hurts more, I dunno. Recently I had a dream where I fell in love with some girl who, in the dream, I got all teary-eyed about because she "looked like Hanya." I woke up and realized it literally was just her. I'm a chud. But hey, not the first time in my life dreams just like to stick it to me. I also haven't deleted anything or unfollowed her on anything yet, though obviously we don't communicate. She hasn't either, as far as I'm aware. I don't think she's blocked me though I'm not gonna text to check or anything; if she does, she does. But this does mean that Google Photos (of which there are countless of us or just her) meaning the app loves giving me notifications saying "remember this day?" or "here's Hanya" and it's like "gee, thanks." I know it's over. I know I should unfollow and archive the social media posts. Not gonna mass delete the photos or anything; the memories are there, I will always cherish them, and I will always be grateful to her for them, whatever she may think of me or I of her. They were good memories, they were part of my life, my first relationship, a good near-five years. They say you never forget your first love.
I know I won't.
My friend has been absent a bit, which is fine, taking breaks is cool and all. Though I'm a paranoid lunatic so my immediate thought is something happened.
Like of the dead variety.
I'm sure I'm wrong, something came up or whatever in that regard, but I've always been like this I guess.
I'm not actively panicking or freaking out or whatever.
Nevermind she's fine. Lol! If you're reading this you're gay har har. No driver's license